some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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