You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
