I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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