Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
