Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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