I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
