So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
