I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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