He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
