just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
