dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
