I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
