At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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