I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
