Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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