I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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