I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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