im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it's like iHOP with fire
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
