i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
