Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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