i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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