Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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