R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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