yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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