you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
