Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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