So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize