never play flip cup with pint glasses
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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