I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
