Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize