I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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