Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
