The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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