Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
