dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You need a sexual gate keeper
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
