Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize