I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
