I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
