i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think I just sharted jello shots
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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