I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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