textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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