i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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