you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
