'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
