I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize