Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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