I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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