I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize