dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
