It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
