So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
40s are totally the cure
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
