just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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