god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
