between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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