what day is it and did you see me today?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize