why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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