Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
