I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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